I'm not sure if incredulous completely describes my feelings on a particular issue, but it's probably close. When I learned that Olson baby #2 is a boy, I was quite excited and I would have been just as excited to have a girl. You see, gender just wasn't a big factor to me. In the course of the days following the announcement of our second child being a son, I was met with some unbelievable responses. Here is a taste:
"Oh! I'm so sorry. What a shame!" (huh???)
"That's too bad. You and Kyle sure would've had a pretty girl."
"Well, I guess you'll need to try for a 3rd one then! Maybe #3 will be a girl."
Yes, (prepare for sarcasm) what a shame that I have 2 healthy and vibrant sons. This response surprised me at first, but then it just made me plain old mad. I felt that my unborn son was, to some people, starting life out as a disappointment. Are you kidding me? He is exactly who God wants him to be. Isaiah 43:1 tells us that God has called us by name and that we are His. Who am I to think that I know better than a Holy God? If God, in His sovereignty, sees fit to grace our family with another son and I accept that gift and privilege with anything other than thankfulness, I need a serious character overhaul.
The 'well, you can try for a 3rd' comment really gets to me. As if my son were some sort of error and I can just try again until I get the result others want for me. My unborn son is extremely loved by his mom and dad. He is a gift that God did not have to give to us, but in His grace, He did. Even as I write these words I can feel our little one happily kicking and playing.
I have yet to come up with a gracious response to some of these ridiculous comments. My general response is to remain silent, perhaps that is the best course of action. Any suggestions out there??
Love Languages: Four Ways We Should Not be Speaking
8 months ago
I can relate, as I've been witness to a few people who were so fixated on having a certain gender that their attitude about it was offensive to me. Moreso now since I've experienced a tragic loss and would have done anything for my baby boy to be healthy. I haven't yet come up with a completely appropriate response, however one thing the Lord has graciously taught me is that it is not my place to teach perspective. Sometimes people just have to learn it on their own. I am thankful for your sensitive heart.
ReplyDeleteI think sometimes people just need to remember 'not everything that is in my head needs to come out of my mouth'. Kind of like a filter. I wonder if those people ever stop to think "wow, that was really insensitive..." or if they just go on with their day? I am SO sorry there have been people reacting to your baby #2 that way. I think 2 boys are going to be so much fun for you and Kyle! :)
ReplyDeleteI know someone who recently had her 3rd baby (she has girl, boy, girl now). When she was pregnant with #3, if she had her oldest child with her, people were nice to her. If she was with kids #1 and #2, people would feel the need to say things like, "You have too many kids"...."you are going to regret having them so close together"...."you made a mistake". It would really upset her. They didn't know that she had already gone through her moments of trying to prepare herself for what was about to happen (yes, they wanted a 3rd...no, they weren't thinking so soon after the 2nd...to mean 3 kids age 4 and under). When she remembered God knows what He is doing, she knew they would be fine. I think sometimes she would say nothing to the person, sometimes she would say something about it was bound to be quite an adventure...depending on the situation. She knew she couldn't change their opinion...and she knew their opinion really didn't matter to her in the big picture. They can't imagine their life without her. She is the perfect addition to the family.
....and your second child is the perfect addition your family. :)
~jennifer d.
I like those above comments--they reflect the confidence we have in God as the designer of our families! We're halfway into this pregnancy (our 3rd, as you know, Lisa) and I was, to be honest, quite caught off guard when I found out this little one's gender. BUT God has designed and created this family (even the children we don't yet have any idea of) and so many people in the world, even in the Church, just don't have the perspective of how incredible each life is and how purposeful our God is. You can always say with joy and conviction how certain you are of God's wisdom and how He purposed to make this child a boy from the first moment (that's along the lines of what I say), along with being excited to watch this person fit perfectly into your family. I think Jennifer's right--either people's filters just fail them, or their curiousity just gets the better of them. More people than I can count are baffled that we're on our third baby, assuming that this one was some colossal accident. (Actually, it's the first two that were our happy surprises from the Lord--this one couldn't have been more planned!) I've heard "Oh well", "Oops", "You know how this happens, don't you (wink, wink)", "Whew, kids are expensive, you know" and "An accident, huh?" And since we all agree you'll never change people's minds or perspective, I just say "God's building our family exactly how He wants it!" THANK GOD for these children! Being their mama is the hardest and best thing I've ever been able to do.
ReplyDeleteHeck, I look forward to the looks on people's faces if and when I'm blessed with #4 or #5! Bring it on. :)