On Being Pro-Life

Though I wish the abortion conversation were not a political one, it is. I will not rehash the debate in this blog as the arguments on both sides of this issue have been presented in full in many other forums. What I will address is what I know to be true of those of us who are pro-life.

A few years ago I was reading through a heated discussion on abortion and read a phrase that essentially said, "Pro-lifers aren't actually pro-life, they're just pro-birth." I found the statement both exasperating and patently false. Yesterday, a similar phrase was issued on another friend's page. This time it didn't make me angry, it was just plain hurtful. I told my husband about this statement last night and about how hurt I was over this sentiment. He quietly took my hand and led me into the room where our three children were happily playing together and said, "Right. Our daughter is clear evidence that we're only pro-birth." I then told him that I was considering blogging about this but that my emotions would get the better of me. For the first time in ten years of marriage, he encouraged me to act on my emotions...and so I will.

My introduction to the pro-life movement was through my parents. My parents have lived their convictions on many levels and that is certainly a major factor in my own strong conviction surrounding the sanctity of human life and the protection of the unborn. My parents' willingness to open their hearts, schedules, home, and resources to teen moms was certainly not just pro-birth. I have countless friends who have counted the cost of living out their pro-life convictions. To list a few:

Friends who chose life for their own child knowing he might not live through birth due to chromosomal anomalies.
Friends who chose life for their own child knowing she'd face profound challenges, but that her life was created by God and was just as valuable as the lives of her "normal" siblings.
Friends who chose life for their sweet girl who was diagnosed with Down's before birth. (Side note: 67% of American babies diagnosed with Down's are aborted and 90% worldwide.)
Friends who chose life for their darling boy who was diagnosed with Down's.
Friends who have said, "Yes!" to adoption, some have done so multiple times, so birth families would feel empowered to choose life.
Friends who make significant financial sacrifices to support Crisis Pregnancy Centers and/or Adoption Grant organizations.
Friends who make financial sacrifices to help birth moms and dads fund their educations.
Friends who volunteer countless hours to provide free childcare so moms and dads who have less than ideal circumstances can go to work/school.
Friends who chose life in spite of the pressure they faced to choose otherwise.
Doctor and nurse friends who donate their time and expertise to serve Crisis Pregnancy Centers and/or to moms in crisis pregnancy situations.

The list could go on and on, but the last one I'll mention in this blog is a very emotional one for me- our precious girl's birth mom, her extended family, and her birth dad. The first time I met Alanna's birth mama I was overcome with the bravery she showed in choosing life in spite of the many hard things she faced with being a teen mom. She wasn't merely pro-birth. Her mom and many extended family members who supported her greatly through her pregnancy truly lived their convictions. Her birth dad's willingness to trust us with the little girl he loved, and loves, has reminded us in a tangible way that conviction takes courage of action. We dearly love these young people with whom we share a most profound connection. The accusations of "pro-birth" are especially painful when I think of these dear people.

Most pro-lifers are not the type of people to toot their own horns and defend themselves when accused of being "pro-birth only." Most prefer to act in quiet, unsung ways for various reasons. It is likely that we will choose to become exceedingly careful in our outward voice against abortion because we want to be very thoughtful of our daughter's future feelings regarding her adoption. We also, like most pro-lifers, want to keep the door widely open to women who have endured an abortion and now need a soft place to fall. As I have read and have been told by personal acquaintances who have gone through an abortion, abortion providers do not provide after care counseling and the emotional toll is tremendous. We want those women to know they are loved and not condemned. There is much grace, love, and hope that can be found within our ranks...and you won't have to look very hard to find it. We're eager to love you. We're eager to show you hope and compassion.

Why are we pro-life? Because the unborn are the most vulnerable, the most helpless, and the most voiceless in society. Who will speak for the defenseless if we don't?

"Any country that accepts abortion is not teaching its people to love, but to use violence to get what they want. That is why the greatest destroyer of love and peace is abortion."
Mother Teresa of Calcutta

The Final Cost, Part 2

And now, part 2-

To encourage those who think adoption isn't an option because of the expense, I'd pose two questions- 1. Why do you want to adopt? and 2. What avenues are you willing to try? A few facts:

1. Adoption from foster care is, generally, free.
2. A large chunk of adoption expenses will be recouped over the course of about 5 years through tax credits and refunds for adoptive families.
3. Many companies offer adoption assistance. Ours didn't, but God provided in other ways.
4. There are many very reputable organizations that give interest free loans and/or grants to qualifying families. A little bit of time on your favorite search engine should yield you plenty of hits.
5. If adoption is your heart, go sit down with a good financial planner RIGHT NOW. There is no fee and you don't have to be wealthy to do this. These professionals are trained to help you reach your financial goals in a responsible manner.
6. There are lots of ways, other than adoption, to care for orphans, support women in crisis pregnancies, support families who choose life in the face of insurmountable odds, and nurture those who need nurturing. You shouldn't feel pressured to adopt nor should you feel guilty if God is not truly calling you to this.

God provided abundantly for us through ways we are still uncovering. (see this link for the story of how God provided.) We aren't rich. Kyle is an engineer and I'm a mom. When we look back at the ways God provided for us at just the right moment, we still tear up. Seemingly simple things like keeping appliances running, keeping cars running, protecting finances, providing 2nd jobs, and the list could grow exponentially. Before we married we were strongly encouraged by my parents to meet with a financial planner. I'll admit, we thought this was ridiculous because we didn't have lots of money. How foolish! What better time to meet with someone? This man was able to guide us in making decisions that would result in our being able to quickly say "yes" after 9 years of saving. It was God who protected those investments for "such a time." If He did it for us, He'll do it for you.

I've lately read many comments from myriad sources bemoaning the cost of adoption and the amount of paperwork involved. I know it's overwhelming. I know there are times when it feels like you're answering the same question 10 times. I know continually getting forms notarized is inconvenient. But every check written, every form completed, every fingerprint taken is just one more opportunity to fight for your future child. It's often called the "paper pregnancy," and for good reason. We didn't get the fun of feeling Alanna kick and play in utero and so all of those papers and checks were our way of connecting with her. Each one just brought us that much closer to her and so it could be done with joy.

The financial costs can certainly be overwhelming to the adoptive family, but let me encourage you, if you are in the "saving" mode, God will honor the time you faithfully save. Waiting time doesn't have to be wasted time. Our 9+ year wait was so that our hearts could be pruned, refined, unified, and broken in ways we couldn't have imagined. God is the Author and Creator of families. He has you waiting because He's writing the story. It's not wasted time, I promise. Keep the financial cost in perspective- you are using the resources God has given you for a human being. I've never heard of anyone complaining about the cost of a car the way I hear of people complaining about the cost of adoption. A car depreciates the moment you drive off the lot. Let me put this another way, how much vetting would you have wanted done on your behalf if you had been a child in need of a home? How much would you have wanted parents who were willing and wanting to joyfully do whatever it would take to bring you home?

By way of personal testimony, I remember calling my dear friend Sarah one night and bawling my eyes out over my desire to adopt and the impatience I was experiencing. Whether she actually understood what I was saying through the tears, I don't know. But, 14ish years of friendship made up for the unintelligible sobs. She asked me to right then get on my knees and she would pray for me. She prayed that I would find joy in the waiting and that I would confess my unbelief and rest in God's Sovereignty for my family and future children. This prayer time was a real turning point and I can now see how God wanted to break my heart of various things before the adoption ball could roll. Praise God for wise friends who know when and how to speak truth.

For those considering adoption but think the financial burden is too great, be encouraged. If this is God's plan for your family, He will make a way.

Ephesians 3:20-21 has been our family's proclamation this year. We believe it, we've been shown its truth, and we have the profound joy of living it.

Now to Him who is able to do 

far more abundantly 

than we think or ask, 

TO HIM BE THE GLORY...

The Final Cost

Part One...

Now that Alanna's adoption is complete, the question we get most often is, "How much did it cost?" We used to be a little surprised at the abruptness of this question, but not anymore. We actually don't even mind fielding the question. Only a few people know the full dollar amount, but I will tell you that the average adoption falls in the same range as a nice mid-size car.

About a week ago I was involved in a discussion on social media regarding the cost of adoption. Most folks had comments like, "I'd do it if it weren't so expensive" or "I just can't see why it has to cost so much." Having gone through the entire adoption process, these comments really grate on me because the cost of adoption, though monetarily high for the adoptive family, is far more expensive for the adoptee and his/her family. This cost is rarely spoken of, but let's consider this cost-

1. A birth family is relinquishing the joy of parenting. Whether this is because a birth mom isn't ready to parent, the birth family is unable to care for a child, the birth parents die, etc, the birth family, both immediate and extended, pay a huge price. Birth parents are losing all say in the raising of the child. Quite often, the birth parents are also losing any sort of connection with their child. No first baths, no first steps, no first birthdays, no graduations, no weddings. No sure way of knowing that their child is being well loved and cared for. Birth parents are also placing a profound amount of trust in the adoptive parents. The cost is great.

2. A child is losing his/her first family.  Again, the situation really doesn't matter, the loss is still acute. Regardless of whether a child is adopted from an orphanage or brought home from the hospital, the loss of first family will always play a role in the life of the adoptee. Even if the adoptee knows that, in many cases, his or her adoptive family's dynamic and lifestyle is better, more nurturing, safer, more stable than what his first family could provide at the time of adoption, there will always be a twinge of grief. The cost is great.

3. A child is potentially losing his or her culture. Though we adopted domestically, our little girl is biracial and we are both white. We are so very thankful for the open relationship we are beginning to develop with Alanna's birth dad who can tell us what we need to know about raising her in a way that honors her culture. We also have a bevy of good friends and former students who have been incredibly gracious in sharing experiences, entertaining questions, and offering great advice. But we also recognize our limits. I can only imagine the loss a child experiences when he or she is removed from familiar language, food, smells, sounds, and community. Yet another huge cost.

4. Biological grandparents are losing their grandchild. It seems the biological grandparents, if alive and involved, not only suffer a huge loss, but are often completely forgotten. These grandparents have not only watched their child experience an agonizing situation, they've also lost a connection to their grandchild. A great cost.

Though this is not a comprehensive list, it gives an idea of what an adoption actually costs. Yes, it cost us money, but money can be recouped. A broken heart will always carry certain scars. 

Stay tuned for part 2; I'll write about our experience with the nuts and bolts of paperwork and bills.