No Desperation

Confession time. Confession #1: I used to watch Desperate Housewives.  I know, I know.  Not really a show that is worth the time or thought and, more likely than not, a few brain cells atrophied during the watching of the insipid show. But you know what I noticed?  Those women were all desperate because they were not content.   But contented people don't make for very interesting story lines, do they?  Confession #2: I really like being a housewife.  I prefer the word homemaker, but whatever you call it, I like it.  A lot.  As with any profession, we'll talk about the use of this term in a different entry, there are days that I don't like the circumstances of that particular day and can be tempted to look to the other side of the fence, but I am so thankful for this job.  What a joy and privilege!

When I left my teaching job to become a SAHM, many people questioned my decision and many people thought my husband and I were absolutely nuts to choose to live on one income.  More than one person questioned why I, as a college educated professional, would choose to do a job that clearly did not require an education.  Those were valid concerns and I think most of the people who brought those points to our attention were simply trying to be helpful and provide counsel to us.  But the bottom line is that we were extremely convinced that the Lord called us to this lifestyle.  And how very kind He has been to us in allowing us to have this call upon our lives.

While following this call meant that I would lay down a job I absolutely loved, it also meant my husband would have to make some sacrifices. This choice means that my husband carries the entire burden of financially providing for our family.  But isn't it a beautiful thing when the Lord provides for both spouses to share in the sacrifice of a call?  The financial sacrifice of this call means that we must plan ahead for many things, we shop consignment stores and we sometimes turn down various invitations that are out of the budget. But it also means that we have learned how to communicate about finances and view our finances as a team effort.  Again, what a kind provision!

There have certainly been days when I do not find much excitement in cleaning toilets, folding laundry and clipping coupons. Being a SAHM is not glamorous.  It is not lucrative and sometimes it really isn't fun.  There are no sick days and there is no retirement plan.  But praise the Lord that His word does not say, "If you are famous, if your job makes lots of money, if your job reaches hundreds of people, if your job is viewed by the world as noble or important, then do it as unto the Lord."  Nope.  He tells us to do everything as unto Him.  Everything.  Cleaning toilets.  Changing bed sheets.  Changing diapers.  All of those things are to be done as unto Him too.  Certainly that will look different for each of us, but for me that means that my attitude about these chores must be one of joy. Joy because my children are watching.  Joy because the Lord has provided earthly items that make our life on earth more comfortable and those things must be cared for.  Joy because I have the physical and financial ability to care for those things.  Joy because Jesus calls us to joy.

We are now 6 years into this call and the Lord has made the puzzle pieces of our lives- the odd and uneven edges of our desires, schedules and needs- fit very perfectly together.  He has been gracious to show us where we each need to shave a little bit off of our own pieces so that we can fit our collective pieces together more effectively and more securely.  Because I am able to pursue the dream of full-time mom and wife, my husband is able to pursue a dream he has that would be completely impossible for him to pursue if I were still teaching high school.  At the beginning of this journey we had no idea that this call would actually open doors for new opportunities.  But even in the midst of that, we still must lay down certain personal desires so we can each serve each other's call.

So now we get to another confession.  Confession #3:  Sometimes I buy into the lie that being a SAHM is a waste of intellect and is really not all that important.  But the truth of the matter is that those thoughts are lies.  No kid ever grows up and bemoans the times Mommy sat and colored with him or played pretend with her or just cuddled up when the thunder was scary.  No Mommy ever looks back and resents having been the one to encourage the first steps or first words or having a temporarily messy kitchen because a 4 year old wanted to try measuring the flour.  So to you, fellow SAHM, be encouraged.  What you do is important eternally.  It is.  Jesus sees every diaper change that is done with joy and gentleness.  He sees every shirt of your husband's that is diligently ironed because you know that is important your man and your doing so will be a blessing.  And He says, "Whatever you do, do it as unto Me."  Because it is that important.

My Little Men

Having spent my entire adult life working primarily with teenagers, I have seen the tumultuous and often tragic results of making poor choices with regards to relationships with the opposite gender.  One poor choice, one misjudgment about character, one moment of dismissing parental wisdom and your life can, and generally will be, drastically altered.  How I pray that my sons will be greatly discerning.  How I pray that Kyle and I will be brave for their good.  How I pray that, if necessary, we will be willing to be unpopular with our boys.

A well-known Bible teacher said in one of her teachings, "While they are young, and think you know everything, teach them all you know!" Well, my sweet sons, here is what I know:

1. Any woman who dares to pursue you is not the woman for you.  Yes, I know this flies in the face of current culture.  I know this flies in the face of most Rom-Coms too.  Well, your life does not have a script writer out of Hollywood who is only interested in box office sales.  Your life is real life.  From a Biblical perspective, it is not for a woman to pursue a man.  This is for good reason.  When the relationship begins with an improper balance, it likely will not end well.  I've seen enough of these relationships to have made 2 general observations- 1. A man who is willing to allow a woman to pursue him is a very likely a push-over.  -or- 2. A man who is willing to allow a woman to pursue him is looking for a woman he can control and manipulate.  He knows that if she pursued him, she felt an unhealthy and desperate need to have a man in her life.  This type of man is the type of man who will not compliment, encourage or truly respect a woman.  Don't be either of those men.

2. Set a standard, set it early and set it in stone.  My Jackson likes girls.  He likes them a lot.  He likes 5 year olds, he likes 14 year olds, he likes 24 year olds.  He really, really likes girls.  As we were driving home from VPK one day he confessed his adoration for a little girl in his class.  I asked him why he was so enamored with this little girl.  He told me that he liked her hair, how she dressed and that she was so pretty. And, by the way, she's nice too.  This conversation was a huge moment for me.  Huge.  This conversation showed me the imperative need to teach my son the importance of recognizing beauty as the Lord recognizes beauty.  The Lord defines a beautiful woman in ways the world does not.

Let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious. - 1 Peter 3:4

Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. - Proverbs 31:30

Many a man has been ruined by a physically beautiful woman.  Oh how my prayer for you boys is that you will make character your first priority.  Does she love the Lord?  Is she generous, kind, teachable?  Is she smart?  Is she capable and trustworthy?  Do not compromise.  Do not lower your standard.  Do not settle. 

3. If a woman rejects your pursuit of her, be gracious.  If you ask a girl out and she refuses your request, do not make the situation awkward for her.  Be a gentleman, not a jerk.  Don't speak poorly of her, don't gossip about her, don't try to make her "regret it" by pursuing her best friend.  Man up and deal with it in a way that reflects well upon your character. 

4. Flee from the provocative.  It is nothing new for a woman to try to attract a man through her manner of dress.  Maybe I should say her lack of dress.  Flee from these women.  If a woman's primary method of attracting your attention is her physical appearance, you need to run and you need to run fast.  This woman has things that need to be worked out before she can enter into a healthy relationship.  

5. Always, always be a gentleman.  Go to the door to meet her.  Hold doors open.  Open the car doors.  Pay for the date.  If you say you are going to call, call.  Do not make "boy sounds" around her, she is not one of your locker-room buddies.  Treat her as a lady.  Respect her as a child of God.  

Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves... Phil 2:3

6. Don't date.  Yet another counter-cultural idea.  I've heard this thought with regard to dating-

Dating is like going to the grocery store with no money.  You will either leave hungry and frustrated or you will take something that does not belong to you.

Yes, I am well aware that society tells us a different tale.  But dating "for fun" is dangerous and I'm going to say it- it is not Biblical.  You will end up with a broken heart or you will break someone else's heart.  You will regret the time spent in this pursuit.  When you are old enough and could theoretically get married, you start looking for a wife.  Pursuing a woman with this intention will both sift the women who you are not suited for out very quickly and it will refine you as a man. 

7. Guard her heart.  Guard a woman's heart very, very carefully.  You do not lead her on in the belief that the relationship is leading to marriage if it clearly is not. That is deceptive and selfish.  If you do this, I will find you and I will spank you.  I don't care if you are bigger than me.  I am your mother.  Do not make promises you cannot possibly keep.  Do not say things you do not mean simply to avoid an uncomfortable conversation. Do not ever put her or yourself in a position that could cause shame, embarrassment or humiliation.  Protect her reputation. If she sees the need to break up with you, you handle this as a gentleman and you treat her with dignity and respect.  If you need to break up with her, you handle her heart with great care and compassion.  

Above all, remember that no one on this earth loves you more than your parents.  We desperately love you boys.  Your good and your joy are so incredibly important to us.  Because of that, we will create boundaries for your good.  We will make decisions that you do not like for the present moment.  We will always love you.

To Be Protectors

As with many, I have watched the events of the Steubenville rape case unfold.  Horrible doesn't begin to describe this crime.  Equally horrible is the fact that this is not an isolated incident.  Just this morning I saw another headline about a 13 year old girl who was sexually assaulted by older teenage boys, an 89 year old woman who was shoved into the trunk of her car and held there for 2 days by a group of teenagers (girls and boys), China's admission of the forced abortions of approximately 336 million babies and the story a teenage boy who shot and killed a baby while the baby and mom were out for a stroll.  At first these all seem to be unrelated crimes, but there is a unifying thread among them- the bigger and more powerful taking grotesque advantage of the weaker. It's a terrifying commentary on the sinful state of man.

 In America we sure do pat ourselves on the back and make great claims about how advanced we are and how we have liberated women.  What a joke.  Yes, things are much better for women in America than in most of the world, but let's not delude ourselves into thinking we're so much more sophisticated than everyone else.  More on this later.  What must we tell our sons?  As I watch my pre-school aged sons play with their super heroes I can't help but ponder how to raise them to actually be super heroes.  I'm quite certain that when the Steubenville rapists were young their mothers did not imagine they would perpetrate such a crime.  So how do we respond?

We must teach our sons that women are not objects.
The hard part about this is that many women are willing to believe that they are objects.  The signs are all around us.  Victoria's Secret is about to launch a line of lingerie for pre-teens!  Really.  Undies with statements like "Call Me" and "Wild" written on them. I don't have daughters.  If I did, I can guarantee you that I would not allow my daughters to believe this type of "fashion" is acceptable.  Shame on the moms who allow their daughters to think this type of clothing defines femininity. Grown women are buying books like Fifty Shades of Gray in mass quantities.  I'll freely admit, I have not read the book nor will I read it, but I've read enough reviews and plot summaries to know what the gist of the book happens to be.  I'm absolutely mystified as to why women are willing to entertain such filth.  Not just because it is filth, but because it reduces a woman to a mere play thing for a man's lustful and selfish desires.  Why on earth are we not speaking loudly against this?  We have got to teach our sons that women are not objects with our actions, not empty words.  We teach them through making choices that command respect.

We must teach our sons that sex is sacred.
There is a lie that has infected our society like an aggressive cancer.  The lie is believing that "casual sex" exists.  What a horrid, horrid lie.  Yet we support the movies and t.v. shows that perpetuate this lie and we laugh at crude jokes...all in front of our sons.  Is it any wonder they have reduced this sacred act to just recreational fun?  We've got to get brave, move past our own personal discomfort and have very frank discussions with our sons.  And we must start when they are young.  There is a way to be very age appropriate and yet very straightforward.  One of my favorite preachers, Matt Chandler, made a statement in one of his sermons that was delivered in levity and yet it had a huge impact.  He was speaking about true and Biblical masculinity.  He made the statement, "Son, there is an unrighteous and a righteous way to play with a naked woman (His young son was playing with his sister's naked Barbie doll at the time.) and right now, you are unrighteous in your motives and your actions."  He then took the opportunity to discuss this with his son.  I applaud him for seizing this opportunity to impart truth instead of taking the doll away and offering a simple, "No."  We have got to teach our sons Biblical truth about the correct context and God-ordained circumstances for this very life altering act.

We must teach our sons to preserve dignity.
One of my favorite stories about Jesus is found in John 8.  The Pharisees have brought an adulterous woman to Jesus in an attempt to trick Jesus.  But, in their attempt to trick Jesus, they prove their willingness to use another person's failings (the act of adultery) and weakness (in that day and age, being female made her quite vulnerable) for their own purposes.  We must teach our sons that it is never acceptable to use another person's failings and/or weaknesses to further their own position in life.  One of the other remarkable aspects of this story is the fact that Jesus was willing to protect and defend another in spite of the "accepted" cultural norms around him.  He protected her dignity.  This did not mean he had to agree with or condone her sinful actions.  He clearly told her to go and sin no more.  But he still defended her dignity.  What a wonderful skill for our sons to learn- that we must defend those in need of defense, but if sin in involved we need not condone sin in the process.

We must teach our sons that showing sensitivity is masculine.
I'm just going to say it...we have a messed up view of masculinity in our society.  For reasons unknown to me, masculinity has become defined by marks of aggressive behavior and not by marks of character.  We've all heard it.  We've heard the "he's a man's man" description.  This description usually describes a man who plays some contact sport, hunts, drives a large truck and is roughly the size of a barge.  (Like that reference?)  Those things are not bad things, but they don't define masculinity either.  So what is masculinity?  In my estimation, true masculinity is defined by things like a man's integrity, his work ethic, his honesty, his faithfulness, his generosity, how he treats and cares for those around him and his devotion.  The word meek does not seem to be part of the modern lexicon.  It is an oft misunderstood word.  In a Biblical sense, meekness is not cowardice or a willingness to be bullied about but instead it is restraint, it is strength under the control of the Spirit.  It is a producer of peace. Let's be careful how we define masculinity to our sons.

We must teach our sons that being a gentleman is not optional or conditional.  
 Acting as a gentleman is more than opening doors, allowing a lady to go first and standing when a lady enters the room.  Acting as a gentleman is making the statement that the needs and feelings of another are valid and important.  Acting as a gentleman teaches our sons that manners and actions are a lifestyle, not just something to mind on certain occasions.  It seems manners are often chided as being archaic and too "buttoned up."  But we teach our sons things like saying "yes ma'am" and not replicating body noises because in this process they become aware of the feelings of other people and the importance of recognizing the feelings of others as important. Perhaps just as importantly, we must teach our sons that being a gentleman applies to everyone- the young lady dressed up for prom, the elderly lady/gentelman who needs help with her groceries, the homeless person who needs to feel human and recognized. This simple thing also teaches our sons to view everyone as valuable and deserving of being treated well.  May we not allow acting as a gentleman to be a lost art!

We must teach our sons about humor.
In reading the details surrounding the Steubenville rape case I was horrified to learn of how the many on-lookers just chuckled at what was happening.  The boys who committed this horrible crime continued to laugh about their crime for days.  Let's start standing up to what has become a cultural norm of laughing at the plight of the vulnerable.  Several weeks ago I read about a man in India who attends to the poorest of society.  He washes these people, he rubs sore muscles, he provides a clean shave as well as food for these people.  He not only restores dignity to these people, he does not make there plight the punchline of a self-gratifying joke.  Be careful what you choose to respond to with laughter.  Be very, very careful.

We must teach our sons to be brave.
Bravery seems to have taken a strange turn.  Why is it that stellar athletic performance is often describe as bravery?  Oh how me must redefine bravery!  What a brave thing it is for a person to risk their own social status to stand up for another.  What a brave act to say "no" when others are saying "yes."  What a brave thing to decide it is better to stay away from certain social circles and risk being labeled as "uncool" because you have courage of conviction and the integrity that goes along with it.  Bravery is putting the needs of others above your own.  (Phil 2:3-5)

It has been greatly impressed on me that it is the mothers of young children who will greatly affect the future. It is our action, or inaction, that will shape the years to come.  Believing that God Himself has entrusted the lives of my children to me is humbling, daunting and also very empowering.  As mothers, let's all agree to build one another up, encourage one another and stand against the onslaught of violence and lies that are working to entice our sons away from what is good, pure and right.



For the moms of daughters- the following blog is a must-read for you!
http://wearethatfamily.com/2013/03/raising-daughters-in-a-world-that-devalues-them-7-things-we-must-tell-them/