Wedded Bliss

Kyle and I celebrated our wedding anniversary a couple of weeks ago.  It was a Sunday which meant we spent the morning in the very church where we spoke our vows.  Very sweet memories.  It is very easy for me to say that I love him more now that I did on the day I married him.  He is an exceptional husband and rather easy to spend my life with.  He loves the Lord and is very unashamed about it, he is consistent, he is generous and kind, he is patient and he is forgiving.  Years ago, when word first leaked that we were seeing each other, people I didn't even know were coming to my office to tell me what a wonderful man of character Kyle Olson had proved himself to be.  Each person had a story to tell about how Kyle had served them or done something really extraordinary.  (And no, Kyle didn't put them up to this!) This was a very big deal to me.  The Bible tells us that a good name is worth more than great riches.  This guy certainly had a good name.  My boss even told me, "You'll be hard pressed to find anyone more honest, hard working or kind as Kyle."  She was right.

Because of God's grace and mercy and ONLY because of His grace and mercy, we started our marriage at a huge advantage.  We had some really wonderful pre-marital counseling that armed us with much Christ-centered advice and guidance.  A dear friend also created a book of advice for me prior to our wedding.  The book was a compilation of wise words of advice from various women at my church who had many good and fruitful years of marriage under their belts.  I'd love to share some of that advice that I can now say I have experienced first hand.

1. You're in it for the glory of God, not your self-gratification.   When we are focused on how our spouse should be serving us we will more often than not come up disappointed   My grandmother gave me some wonderful advice and since she has been half of a wonderfully Christ-centered marriage for 60 years, I'd consider her an authority on successful marriage.  Her advice was to put Philippians 2:3 into practice everyday and to put your spouse's needs above your own.  If both spouses are living to this command, you'll both be taken care of.  Many of you may have seen the beautiful video put out by John Piper's ministry that speaks to this truth.  If you haven't already watched this video, it's worth the time to watch.  http://www.desiringgod.org/blog/posts/the-story-of-ian-larissa

2.  I'm not his taskmaster. If there is one thing my mother will never be called, it is a nag.  My dad will testify to this truth.  I've never heard my mother nag my dad.  She taught me that you ask once to make your request known.  Feel free to ask a second time just to be sure your original request was heard.  But, anything after twice is nagging.  Would you like for your husband to continually ask, "Are you going to iron my shirt?  Are you going to iron my shirt?  Are you...."

3. I'm not his Holy Spirit. Before I ever said "I do" this advice was given to me and I can now attest to the truth of it.  The Lord desires unity within marriage.  That doesn't mean that both parties agree on every issue, but when disagreements come, we are to recognize that we are first to seek God's will and be willing to yield our own agendas.  If we feel that our desire is one that is from God and our husbands don't quite agree and the feeling just stays and stays....pray.  Do you trust God with your husband's heart?  Do you trust Him with your own heart?  There is an issue I feel strongly about.  I mentioned it to my husband early in our marriage and he, quite honestly, does not feel the way I feel about this subject.  So, I put the advice I was given into practice and never brought the subject up again.  I prayed.  Years later my husband brought the subject up and we had a wonderful conversation.  There is a Biblical example of this too.  When Sarah desperately wanted a child and wasn't willing to wait on God's timing, she came up with a crazy idea and she forced her way.  9 months later we meet Ishmael.  This was not a good thing for their marriage.  You do not want Ishmaels in your marriage.  Allow God to work on your husband's heart.  It isn't your job to convict him, it is your job to pray for him and encourage him. God can accomplish His will in your husband's heart much more effectively if you step out of the way.

4. Some friends might need to become less important in your life.  I once knew of a girl who, after spending any amount of time with her friends, would come home and be very agitated with her husband.  I'm sure we can all make the conclusion that her time with her friends was more likely than not spent bashing and complaining about husbands.  She probably should have found new friends.  Early in my marriage I was irritated with Kyle.  I called one of my best friends to complain about him.  This friend is one of my best friends for good reason....she didn't chime in and say what I wanted to hear.  She told me, "I love you and I love you enough to let you get irritated with me.  I also love you enough to help you strengthen your marriage. You have a man who loves you and, more importantly, loves the Lord."  The conversation evolved from there, but I'm sure you can imagine where it went.  When I got off of the phone with my ever-wise best friend, I wanted to go to my husband and make everything better.  That is a good friend.  A true and good friend will always support your marriage and never speak ill of your husband to you nor help you speak ill of your husband.

5. Make a promise and keep it.  This point could probably also be called, "Let your yes be yes and your no be no."  James 5:12 and Matt. 5:37.  If you agree to something, agree to it and keep a good attitude about it.  If you tell your husband that you are okay with him doing or participating in something (a ball game, a trip with buddies to the big game, etc.) and then have a sulky attitude about him participating in said activity, you have not made your "yes to be yes."  Additionally, if you agree to his participation and then present him with an ultimatum or some sort of consequence, you have made your yes conditional.  I think this also relates back to #1 and the reference to Phil 2:3.  If you are putting your spouse's needs and desires above your own you will get great joy because of his joy.  You won't feel that things have to be "even" and because he got something you should get something.

6. Speak well of him both in public and in private.  I once had the unfortunate experience of spending time around a group of women who thought it was a productive use of time to bad mouth their husbands.  It was a miserable experience.  Not a one of them had anything nice to say about their spouses.  Part of me wanted to say, "Didn't you choose your spouse or was it a lottery system and your spouse was forced upon you?"  However, because I had never been around such talk, I sat in stunned silence.  I was honestly flabbergasted at what I was hearing.  Proverbs 31 tells us that, as wives, we are to bring good and not harm to our husbands.  Isn't bad-mouthing him bringing him harm?

7. Marriage is a team sport. You're on the same team.  Protect the team.  Defend the team.  Work as a team.  Give him the benefit of the doubt.

8. Make his favorite meal. One of the most kind and thoughtful of women at my church taught me this.  Don't worry about the calories, the fat content or the nutritional value.  If you don't know how to make it, learn how. Even if you only make it every other month, you are only consuming the extra calories, etc 6 days out of your entire year.  Is that really going to hurt you?

9. Tell him what you need and accept it when he gives it.  The very wise and sweet woman who, along with her husband, conducted our pre-marital counseling gave me this sage advice:  If you need your husband to give you words of affirmation, tell him that is what you need.  Say, "Honey, I really need to hear that you think I am..... (beautiful, a good wife, capable, etc.)"  When he speaks the words, accept them.  Do not ever say, "You're just saying that because I told you to say that!"  Chances are quite high that he already thinks those things but he doesn't realize that you need him to verbalize them.  Men are just wired differently.

10. Never be afraid to lose a fight.  Ouch.  Hard one.  If you knew the woman who wrote this to me, you'd accept this statement very quickly.

11. Just because it comes into your head does not mean it needs to be said.  My Grandma Marge gave me this advice.  This is especially hard for quick witted women.  Our society tends to encourage people to "let it all out" and say whatever comes to mind.  How's that working for us?  Our divorce rate as a society is inexcusably high.  Hold your tongue.  James 3:5 refers to the tongue in this way, "how great a forest is set ablaze by such a small fire."  My former preacher used to remind us that fires can be warming and illuminating or they can be scorching and destructive.  How are you using your words?

And finally....from a woman I respect and adore...

12. Always be aware of your responsibilities to God and not your "rights."  Incidentally, aside from my grandparents and parents, I respect and admire this woman's marriage above any other marriage I've ever seen.  It would be my estimate that she and her husband have been married for over 35 years and they are madly in love.  The way he looks at her and the way she looks at him is the stuff of fairy tails.  She has taught me that when we are so concerned with our "rights" we look only to ourselves and when we look only to ourselves, we will always be discontented and we will bring discontentment to those around us.  We set our spouses up for failure.  Hard truth, but one that brings great joy when we embrace it.

I freely admit that I am a wife-in-progress.  There are days I fail miserably.  Praise God for my forgiving and gracious husband.  I love him dearly and am so thankful that the Lord gave him to me.  Another mentor of mine told me, "Don't marry someone unless you would want your children to be just like him."  So true.  It is my prayer that my boys grow to be just like their daddy.

Aching Love

Anyone who knows me at all knows how passionate I am about the plight of orphans. There are an estimated 143 million orphans worldwide. That number is overwhelmingly heartbreaking. Some of the people I respect the very most in this world are the moms and dads who open their hearts and homes to adopting these orphans into "forever families." This is an act of love and bravery unlike any other. Unfortunately, for reasons that are usually tied to government restrictions, not all orphans can be adopted. This is even more heartbreaking. This is the situation for my precious "daughter," Esther.

 When my husband and I first made the decision to sponsor a child through a local, very trusted organization (Heart of the Bride) I began to pray for the Lord to knit my heart to the child He would choose for us to sponsor. It was very important to me that we would not merely write a check every month. I also knew  asking the Lord to closely knit me to the heart of a child I would not be able to hug, tuck into bed, sing to and interact with on a daily basis would often hurt. My heart aches to hug my sweet Esy every single day. We are very fortunate to personally know the people who make frequent trips to Esy's orphanage in Kenya to check on her and the other children at House of Hope. But, the ache still remains. When we get letters from Esy and she calls us "Daddy and Mom" and tells us how much she loves us and her little brothers, my heart melts and breaks at the same time. It melts because I know she is accepting the love we are offering to her and it breaks because I realize we are the most tangible parents she has...and we are a world away. However, I am thankful for that ache. The ache means the Lord has done the work in my heart that I asked Him to do in accordance with His word. He is so faithful.

 Sometimes when I look at pictures of my sweet girl I just burst into tears. Not just for her, but because there are so many like her. 143 million. An insurmountable number. But, as Christians, we must not bury our heads in the sand when it comes to matters of social justice, caring for the poor and speaking for the voiceless simply because the numbers are seemingly insurmountable. It will hurt. But the hurt means you love deeply and that is a good thing.  And, as one of my friends says, I may not be able to change the whole world, but I can help change the world for at least one child.

 James 2:5 offers so much hope and comfort regarding this issue. "Listen my brothers, has not God chosen the poor of this world to be rich in faith and heirs to the kingdom, which He has promised to those who love Him?" I know my Esy loves the Lord. And, as I type these words through many tears, I know when He chooses to take her home to Heaven He will bestow the richest of blessings on her for eternity. For all of the things she never got to experience in this world, she will receive in spades when she inherits the kingdom of Heaven. She is the daughter of the King of Kings. She is the apple of His eye and oh so precious in His sight. A crown of glory will be placed on her beautiful head and she will never again cry as she falls to sleep. She will never again feel the pangs of loneliness. She will know perfect love.

 Love sometimes aches. And this is a blessing.

Open Letter to Ms. Rosen

Dear Ms. Rosen,
I, like many other women across America, was extremely offended by your comments directed at Ann Romney. Although I accept your apology, I doubt you have truly changed your sentiments. I'd like to address this issue with you.

I choose to be a stay-at-home mother. When I became pregnant with my first child, I chose to leave my profession and devote myself to the vocation of child-rearing. There are certainly days that I miss my previous profession. I receive no monetary pay for what I do. There are no vacation/sick days, stock options, promotions or health benefits. There is no overtime pay, 401k or retirement fund. I knew those things would be set aside when I chose this path. Yet, I am willing to lay those things aside for my vocation.

Unlike Ann Romney, my husband does not have an enormous salary. Yes, it is a privilege to be able to choose to stay home with my children. But, unlike you insinuate, we do not have this option because we are wealthy. We have this option because we are willing to make sacrifices. We are willing to go without certain things. If we can't pay cash for something, we don't buy/do it. We sometimes wait for years to be able to buy new furniture. We buy used cars and *gasp* shop at consignment stores. And, you know what? I'm perfectly fine with that. When I am the one who gets to witness my child's various firsts and I am the one who gets to tuck him in at every nap, I just don't care about the furniture that is on the proverbial back-burner. We don't go out to eat very often and when we do, it's usually because we have coupons or a gift card. I am very careful at the grocery store and I have learned to use coupons quite well. I, along with many other stay-at-home mothers resent the fact that you have belittled and marginalized the work and planning we put into each and every decision we make for our families so we can have the life we have. You insinuate that we only have this lifestyle because our husbands have high paying jobs and we can lead a life of luxury. Not so. We have this lifestyle because we work as a team with our husbands to make this happen.

Unfortunately, your thoughtless comment is more of a commentary on how we view children and families in our society. Should someone have more than the acceptable 2.3 children, they are "those freaks with lots of kids." Consider the Duggars. Instead of being revered for the fact that they have 19 well behaved, kind, loving and intelligent children (and by the way, do it all with ZERO debt), they are mocked. I have no intention of having 17 more children, but I think there is more to be learned from this fully functional family than any feminist would be willing to admit. Our society places little value on children and families unless it is a political talking point. Out of the mouth comes the overflow of the heart. Your comment that Ann Romney (and other stay-at-home moms) has not worked a day in her life is proof of how little we respect and value families in this country.

It is my hope that the chord you struck with your comments will become a rally cry for mothers and families. Perhaps we'll start rethinking how we view and approach motherhood. Time will tell. And, Ms. Rosen, I don't ask you or any other person to chose the same path I have chosen, but I do ask that you respect my choice just as you would respect a woman's choice to become a CEO, surgeon or senator.

Regards,
Lisa

Life's Instruction Manual

We have a phrase at our house that our 4 year old hears when he disobeys or is about to disobey. We say, "Jackson, if you choose to disobey then Daddy and Mommy cannot keep you safe. Your safety is dependent upon your obedience." Because we are his parents, it is our job to keep him safe. We have knowledge, life experience and wisdom that he does not yet possess. He is told to keep his hands away from the stove-top because the stove-top will hurt him, not because I want to spoil his curiosity or his fun. And so it is with God.

Many people like to see God as a celestial being who has passed a list of "don't do" items down to us. Unfortunately, many church leaders and denominations through the ages have only bolstered this thought with their legalism that is driven by controlling and selfish motives. But there are far more instructions on how to live life. It wouldn't make a whole lot of sense to merely tell people what not to do, would it? Fortunately, I serve a loving God who, as I understand at this juncture in life, is more interested in how I live each day rather than how I manage to stay away from the don'ts. When we focus merely on the don'ts we become quite legalistic and often miss the joy in sharing life with others. It also seems to me that when my heart concerns itself with the how-to live, avoiding the don't do's is a by-product.

God certainly does give us various "don't do" items. But have you really thought about those things? He's not trying to spoil our fun or our curiosity. He's protecting us. We are to remain sexually pure until we are married and then remain faithful to our spouse because by doing so we protect our hearts, our health and our marriage/future marriage. Could you imagine if everyone lived to this standard? There would be no sexually transmitted diseases, no marriages ending as a result of affairs and the abortion rates would drastically decrease. Lives would be saved. We are told not to become drunk because drunkenness puts people in danger. Drunkenness is hard on a person's body. My cousin, a dietitian, recently told me about a man she saw who was in liver failure due to his repeated choice to drink excessively. 40 years old and at death's door. Of course there are many other "don'ts" but I think you get the idea. God wants to protect us, not harm us!

As Kyle and I work on raising our boys, our chief objective is to point them to Christ. We realize that we cannot, as Noel Piper states, bequeath Christ to our children. However, we can live our lives in such a way that our faith makes the reality of a relationship with God and acceptance of Christ as Savior very desirable. Children can become easily, and perhaps rightfully, frustrated when continually told what not to do. As a parent of a precocious preschooler I am very aware of this reality. It is my primary job to teach my sweet boys what God requires, not merely a list of things God doesn't want us to do. How would they know how to live if my husband and I didn't focus primarily on what God wants us to do?

So what does God want us to do? That is a huge question, a question I'm sure I'll never be able to fully answer. I know for certain that God calls us to live our faith in every area of our life and regardless of whose company we are keeping. (Galatians 1:10, James 1:22.) We are called to care for the poor, the orphan, the widow and the captive. (James 1:27, Proverbs 29:7.) We are to be considerate and to put the needs of others at the forefront of our actions. (Phil 2:1-11.) We are to guard our thoughts, actions and speech. (Phil 4:8) And that is just the tip of the iceberg! What a wonderful instruction manual!

One of the biggest lessons I've learned as a parent is that I must be extremely authentic in my daily life. My babies don't need deep philosophical or theological answers at this point. They need to see their parents living a life surrendered to the Christ. I am being continually reminded that, in order to do this, I must saturate my mind with God's Word and the truths that are timeless. What a wonderful instruction manual for life!

I'll close by quoting the lyrics to a song my choir will be singing on Sunday:
The Word of God has spoken, we are changed forever
The Word of God has spoken, we are free
We are running to salvation, we have been forgiven
The power of sin is broken, we are free
From age to age, Your Word will stand, forever and amen
(Travis Cottrell, "The Word of God Has Spoken")

I Miss Him

It wasn't just that she said, "I miss him" it was the way she said it. It was the look in her eyes and the fleeting smile that turned so quickly into a lip being bit in an attempt to stop the tears. I imagine the smile was because the thought of his face briefly lit her heart. Let me back up...

I sang at a funeral this last Friday. It is always an honor for me to be entrusted with this type of thing. To be asked to sing for an event that is so important in the life of a family is an enormous honor and privilege, one I do not take lightly. It is always emotionally difficult to sing at such events, but the Lord has always given me composure and strength beyond explanation. I must tell all of you that I came away from this funeral feeling challenged, blessed and encouraged.

The man who passed away had suffered with brain cancer for 6 years. Yet those 6 years had not been spent in woe of his diagnosis. But there was no focus on the way he died, the focus was on the way he lived. This man's adult sons told of how much they admired their father, from the time they were little all through adulthood. They spoke of how much they wanted to be exactly like him. They spoke of how much he loved their mother. They spoke of how important they knew they were to him. What a challenge! Am I living my life in a way that shows my children how important they are to me? Do they know without a doubt in their minds their importance to me? Are my priorities right?

When singing for funerals, I train myself to not look at the family until my part is over. Looking at the faces of hurting and grieving people is more than I can bear. However, during the sermon I did steal a look at this man's wife. I really can't explain the expression on her face. Peaceful yet sad and still very much in love. 49 years they had been married. Hard, hard times they had faced together. Yet they remained faithful to each other. What was their secret? "We love because He first loved us." 1 John 4:19 You see, because Jesus loved, before we loved Him and before we ever even knew Him, we are capable of loving one another. We are able to love a spouse for 49 years.

How my heart hurts for this woman I barely know! How my heart aches for the loneliness I am sure she is experiencing. But how challenged I am to truly LOVE my spouse. To recognize that love doesn't mean chocolates and flowers. What a deep and abiding love this woman had and continues to have for her husband. I've seen many couples reach a point in their marriage where they are merely enduring each other. It's as though they've spent enough years together that they might as well ride the rest of them out together. Oh how I do not want to merely "stick it out." Quite obviously, this couple didn't just stick it out.

God is so sweet and kind to give us the promise of Heaven. The promise of being reunited with those we love because of the sacrifice of His Son. But He is also good and kind to give us promises for today. Promises that He is never far from us. Promises that He is nearest to the brokenhearted. I pray that very promise as I picture this woman's face in my mind. Be near to her, Lord Jesus. And because He is faithful and true, I know He will.

Shoot the Laptop

My guess would be that most of you have seen the viral video of the dad shooting his daughter's laptop by now. Certainly you knew I'd have an opinion about this, right? I will freely admit that upon first watching, I chuckled a bit. But the more I thought about this video, the more it disturbed me. Quite honestly, I think the dad was completely out of line and may have caused irreparable damage to his relationship with his daughter. Before you roll your eyes at me, hear me out.

Consistent discipline is most certainly a key component to good parenting. However, it seems formative and restorative discipline are far superior to punitive discipline. Let's just put on the table the fact that we have only been privy to observing one isolated incident, but I think we can glean a good bit of information from this very public display of "parenting." Should this young woman have said the things she said? No. Should she have shared these thoughts publicly? No. But, she is a kid. Her discernment level isn't the highest. This is why she is not legally allowed to do things like vote, buy a house, sign a lease, etc. The father, however, is an adult. His discernment level should be quite a bit more developed. Why purposely embarrass your child? Do you really think that will accomplish any good? It is my firm belief that the purpose of discipline is to win the hearts of our children. Winning their hearts leads to a relationship of trust and a relationship of trust, generally speaking, leads to willful obedience rather than willful disobedience. This father's public show will not win his daughter's heart and I doubt that was his intent.

It seems the purpose of this father's video was to bring embarrassment and shame to his daughter in retribution for her bringing embarrassment to him. Wonderful parenting tool. How incredibly wise to play tit for tat with your teenager. From a Biblical perspective, not only is this unwise, it is sin. When the Lord disciplines those whom He loves (which He does, according to Hebrews 12), His purpose is never to embarrass or humiliate us. His purpose is to refine our lives and restore us. James 1:19-21 tells us to be quick to listen and slow to anger because anger does not produce the righteousness God desires. Clearly, this father was acting out of anger. Should his feelings have been hurt? Sure. But as an adult, he should be better equipped to handle this. If he had been quick to listen, he would have heard the hurt and pain in his daughter's writing. She quite obviously has many resentment issues. Perhaps he should deal with that resentment. I'm not advocating allowing her to continue in disrespectful behavior, but there are far better ways to handle this situation.

When a father causes shame, humiliation and embarrassment to come to his daughter, the results are disastrous. The one relationship with a man that a girl should be able to implicitly trust is the one with her father. When this trust is broken, the consequences are not pretty. Fathers will stand accountable before a Holy God for how they treat their daughters. (And sons, too.) In my years of teaching, I have seen many young women make very bad decisions because their relationship with their father is broken. I wonder if this father is more concerned with his own pride than with restoring the relationship with his daughter.

Is taking her laptop away a reasonable punishment for her "crime"? I think so. Is shooting it a logical way to accomplish this? No. This will only drive her anger deeper into her heart. How about having her visit a women's shelter and have her donate the laptop to a woman in desperate need. Perhaps looking into the eyes of people who really do have it bad will inspire a change in a way that his rant certainly won't.

Let us seek to win the hearts of our children rather than lord over them with an over-inflated sense of superiority. Let us ask for wisdom (James 1:5) in our parenting. Let us put on compassion, kindness, patience and meekness (Col 3:12) when dealing with our children. Don't shoot the laptop.

525,600 Minutes

After reading the title to this post, some of you are singing! For those of you who are singing, let me ask you this, "How do you measure a year in the life?" Here's how I measure in year in my life:

In becoming a family of 4.
In experiencing childbirth with my husband once again and realizing that as long as I have his hand to hold, his encouraging words and his emotional and spiritual support I don't need anything else- not even an epidural. We're a great team.
In realizing that finding my 3 year old and 5 month old sound asleep in my baby's crib isn't a problem, it is wonderful.
In truly enjoying the 3am feeding and even prolonging the feeding with cuddle time because I know this season will pass far too quickly and he won't be a baby for much longer.
In letting go. Isn't allowing the big brother to "take care" of his baby brother more important than the baby's socks matching his outfit?
In enjoying this moment and not looking too much to the next one.
In learning how much my "big boy" truly cares about people.
In hearing my son recite scripture after scripture with great joy and start to ask deep spiritual questions.
In knowing that God did give me true sisters; not a biological ones, but  sisters who share my very heart.
In God showing me that He is always at work- ALWAYS. (And, He doesn't need my help.)

What a wonderful year this has been. Thankful doesn't adequately describe my heart. He is truly the giver of all good and perfect things.

"Taste and see that the Lord is good!" Psalm 34:8