Thursday, March 3, 2016

The Final Cost

Part One...

Now that Alanna's adoption is complete, the question we get most often is, "How much did it cost?" We used to be a little surprised at the abruptness of this question, but not anymore. We actually don't even mind fielding the question. Only a few people know the full dollar amount, but I will tell you that the average adoption falls in the same range as a nice mid-size car.

About a week ago I was involved in a discussion on social media regarding the cost of adoption. Most folks had comments like, "I'd do it if it weren't so expensive" or "I just can't see why it has to cost so much." Having gone through the entire adoption process, these comments really grate on me because the cost of adoption, though monetarily high for the adoptive family, is far more expensive for the adoptee and his/her family. This cost is rarely spoken of, but let's consider this cost-

1. A birth family is relinquishing the joy of parenting. Whether this is because a birth mom isn't ready to parent, the birth family is unable to care for a child, the birth parents die, etc, the birth family, both immediate and extended, pay a huge price. Birth parents are losing all say in the raising of the child. Quite often, the birth parents are also losing any sort of connection with their child. No first baths, no first steps, no first birthdays, no graduations, no weddings. No sure way of knowing that their child is being well loved and cared for. Birth parents are also placing a profound amount of trust in the adoptive parents. The cost is great.

2. A child is losing his/her first family.  Again, the situation really doesn't matter, the loss is still acute. Regardless of whether a child is adopted from an orphanage or brought home from the hospital, the loss of first family will always play a role in the life of the adoptee. Even if the adoptee knows that, in many cases, his or her adoptive family's dynamic and lifestyle is better, more nurturing, safer, more stable than what his first family could provide at the time of adoption, there will always be a twinge of grief. The cost is great.

3. A child is potentially losing his or her culture. Though we adopted domestically, our little girl is biracial and we are both white. We are so very thankful for the open relationship we are beginning to develop with Alanna's birth dad who can tell us what we need to know about raising her in a way that honors her culture. We also have a bevy of good friends and former students who have been incredibly gracious in sharing experiences, entertaining questions, and offering great advice. But we also recognize our limits. I can only imagine the loss a child experiences when he or she is removed from familiar language, food, smells, sounds, and community. Yet another huge cost.

4. Biological grandparents are losing their grandchild. It seems the biological grandparents, if alive and involved, not only suffer a huge loss, but are often completely forgotten. These grandparents have not only watched their child experience an agonizing situation, they've also lost a connection to their grandchild. A great cost.

Though this is not a comprehensive list, it gives an idea of what an adoption actually costs. Yes, it cost us money, but money can be recouped. A broken heart will always carry certain scars. 

Stay tuned for part 2; I'll write about our experience with the nuts and bolts of paperwork and bills. 


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