My Little Men

Having spent my entire adult life working primarily with teenagers, I have seen the tumultuous and often tragic results of making poor choices with regards to relationships with the opposite gender.  One poor choice, one misjudgment about character, one moment of dismissing parental wisdom and your life can, and generally will be, drastically altered.  How I pray that my sons will be greatly discerning.  How I pray that Kyle and I will be brave for their good.  How I pray that, if necessary, we will be willing to be unpopular with our boys.

A well-known Bible teacher said in one of her teachings, "While they are young, and think you know everything, teach them all you know!" Well, my sweet sons, here is what I know:

1. Any woman who dares to pursue you is not the woman for you.  Yes, I know this flies in the face of current culture.  I know this flies in the face of most Rom-Coms too.  Well, your life does not have a script writer out of Hollywood who is only interested in box office sales.  Your life is real life.  From a Biblical perspective, it is not for a woman to pursue a man.  This is for good reason.  When the relationship begins with an improper balance, it likely will not end well.  I've seen enough of these relationships to have made 2 general observations- 1. A man who is willing to allow a woman to pursue him is a very likely a push-over.  -or- 2. A man who is willing to allow a woman to pursue him is looking for a woman he can control and manipulate.  He knows that if she pursued him, she felt an unhealthy and desperate need to have a man in her life.  This type of man is the type of man who will not compliment, encourage or truly respect a woman.  Don't be either of those men.

2. Set a standard, set it early and set it in stone.  My Jackson likes girls.  He likes them a lot.  He likes 5 year olds, he likes 14 year olds, he likes 24 year olds.  He really, really likes girls.  As we were driving home from VPK one day he confessed his adoration for a little girl in his class.  I asked him why he was so enamored with this little girl.  He told me that he liked her hair, how she dressed and that she was so pretty. And, by the way, she's nice too.  This conversation was a huge moment for me.  Huge.  This conversation showed me the imperative need to teach my son the importance of recognizing beauty as the Lord recognizes beauty.  The Lord defines a beautiful woman in ways the world does not.

Let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious. - 1 Peter 3:4

Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. - Proverbs 31:30

Many a man has been ruined by a physically beautiful woman.  Oh how my prayer for you boys is that you will make character your first priority.  Does she love the Lord?  Is she generous, kind, teachable?  Is she smart?  Is she capable and trustworthy?  Do not compromise.  Do not lower your standard.  Do not settle. 

3. If a woman rejects your pursuit of her, be gracious.  If you ask a girl out and she refuses your request, do not make the situation awkward for her.  Be a gentleman, not a jerk.  Don't speak poorly of her, don't gossip about her, don't try to make her "regret it" by pursuing her best friend.  Man up and deal with it in a way that reflects well upon your character. 

4. Flee from the provocative.  It is nothing new for a woman to try to attract a man through her manner of dress.  Maybe I should say her lack of dress.  Flee from these women.  If a woman's primary method of attracting your attention is her physical appearance, you need to run and you need to run fast.  This woman has things that need to be worked out before she can enter into a healthy relationship.  

5. Always, always be a gentleman.  Go to the door to meet her.  Hold doors open.  Open the car doors.  Pay for the date.  If you say you are going to call, call.  Do not make "boy sounds" around her, she is not one of your locker-room buddies.  Treat her as a lady.  Respect her as a child of God.  

Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves... Phil 2:3

6. Don't date.  Yet another counter-cultural idea.  I've heard this thought with regard to dating-

Dating is like going to the grocery store with no money.  You will either leave hungry and frustrated or you will take something that does not belong to you.

Yes, I am well aware that society tells us a different tale.  But dating "for fun" is dangerous and I'm going to say it- it is not Biblical.  You will end up with a broken heart or you will break someone else's heart.  You will regret the time spent in this pursuit.  When you are old enough and could theoretically get married, you start looking for a wife.  Pursuing a woman with this intention will both sift the women who you are not suited for out very quickly and it will refine you as a man. 

7. Guard her heart.  Guard a woman's heart very, very carefully.  You do not lead her on in the belief that the relationship is leading to marriage if it clearly is not. That is deceptive and selfish.  If you do this, I will find you and I will spank you.  I don't care if you are bigger than me.  I am your mother.  Do not make promises you cannot possibly keep.  Do not say things you do not mean simply to avoid an uncomfortable conversation. Do not ever put her or yourself in a position that could cause shame, embarrassment or humiliation.  Protect her reputation. If she sees the need to break up with you, you handle this as a gentleman and you treat her with dignity and respect.  If you need to break up with her, you handle her heart with great care and compassion.  

Above all, remember that no one on this earth loves you more than your parents.  We desperately love you boys.  Your good and your joy are so incredibly important to us.  Because of that, we will create boundaries for your good.  We will make decisions that you do not like for the present moment.  We will always love you.

To Be Protectors

As with many, I have watched the events of the Steubenville rape case unfold.  Horrible doesn't begin to describe this crime.  Equally horrible is the fact that this is not an isolated incident.  Just this morning I saw another headline about a 13 year old girl who was sexually assaulted by older teenage boys, an 89 year old woman who was shoved into the trunk of her car and held there for 2 days by a group of teenagers (girls and boys), China's admission of the forced abortions of approximately 336 million babies and the story a teenage boy who shot and killed a baby while the baby and mom were out for a stroll.  At first these all seem to be unrelated crimes, but there is a unifying thread among them- the bigger and more powerful taking grotesque advantage of the weaker. It's a terrifying commentary on the sinful state of man.

 In America we sure do pat ourselves on the back and make great claims about how advanced we are and how we have liberated women.  What a joke.  Yes, things are much better for women in America than in most of the world, but let's not delude ourselves into thinking we're so much more sophisticated than everyone else.  More on this later.  What must we tell our sons?  As I watch my pre-school aged sons play with their super heroes I can't help but ponder how to raise them to actually be super heroes.  I'm quite certain that when the Steubenville rapists were young their mothers did not imagine they would perpetrate such a crime.  So how do we respond?

We must teach our sons that women are not objects.
The hard part about this is that many women are willing to believe that they are objects.  The signs are all around us.  Victoria's Secret is about to launch a line of lingerie for pre-teens!  Really.  Undies with statements like "Call Me" and "Wild" written on them. I don't have daughters.  If I did, I can guarantee you that I would not allow my daughters to believe this type of "fashion" is acceptable.  Shame on the moms who allow their daughters to think this type of clothing defines femininity. Grown women are buying books like Fifty Shades of Gray in mass quantities.  I'll freely admit, I have not read the book nor will I read it, but I've read enough reviews and plot summaries to know what the gist of the book happens to be.  I'm absolutely mystified as to why women are willing to entertain such filth.  Not just because it is filth, but because it reduces a woman to a mere play thing for a man's lustful and selfish desires.  Why on earth are we not speaking loudly against this?  We have got to teach our sons that women are not objects with our actions, not empty words.  We teach them through making choices that command respect.

We must teach our sons that sex is sacred.
There is a lie that has infected our society like an aggressive cancer.  The lie is believing that "casual sex" exists.  What a horrid, horrid lie.  Yet we support the movies and t.v. shows that perpetuate this lie and we laugh at crude jokes...all in front of our sons.  Is it any wonder they have reduced this sacred act to just recreational fun?  We've got to get brave, move past our own personal discomfort and have very frank discussions with our sons.  And we must start when they are young.  There is a way to be very age appropriate and yet very straightforward.  One of my favorite preachers, Matt Chandler, made a statement in one of his sermons that was delivered in levity and yet it had a huge impact.  He was speaking about true and Biblical masculinity.  He made the statement, "Son, there is an unrighteous and a righteous way to play with a naked woman (His young son was playing with his sister's naked Barbie doll at the time.) and right now, you are unrighteous in your motives and your actions."  He then took the opportunity to discuss this with his son.  I applaud him for seizing this opportunity to impart truth instead of taking the doll away and offering a simple, "No."  We have got to teach our sons Biblical truth about the correct context and God-ordained circumstances for this very life altering act.

We must teach our sons to preserve dignity.
One of my favorite stories about Jesus is found in John 8.  The Pharisees have brought an adulterous woman to Jesus in an attempt to trick Jesus.  But, in their attempt to trick Jesus, they prove their willingness to use another person's failings (the act of adultery) and weakness (in that day and age, being female made her quite vulnerable) for their own purposes.  We must teach our sons that it is never acceptable to use another person's failings and/or weaknesses to further their own position in life.  One of the other remarkable aspects of this story is the fact that Jesus was willing to protect and defend another in spite of the "accepted" cultural norms around him.  He protected her dignity.  This did not mean he had to agree with or condone her sinful actions.  He clearly told her to go and sin no more.  But he still defended her dignity.  What a wonderful skill for our sons to learn- that we must defend those in need of defense, but if sin in involved we need not condone sin in the process.

We must teach our sons that showing sensitivity is masculine.
I'm just going to say it...we have a messed up view of masculinity in our society.  For reasons unknown to me, masculinity has become defined by marks of aggressive behavior and not by marks of character.  We've all heard it.  We've heard the "he's a man's man" description.  This description usually describes a man who plays some contact sport, hunts, drives a large truck and is roughly the size of a barge.  (Like that reference?)  Those things are not bad things, but they don't define masculinity either.  So what is masculinity?  In my estimation, true masculinity is defined by things like a man's integrity, his work ethic, his honesty, his faithfulness, his generosity, how he treats and cares for those around him and his devotion.  The word meek does not seem to be part of the modern lexicon.  It is an oft misunderstood word.  In a Biblical sense, meekness is not cowardice or a willingness to be bullied about but instead it is restraint, it is strength under the control of the Spirit.  It is a producer of peace. Let's be careful how we define masculinity to our sons.

We must teach our sons that being a gentleman is not optional or conditional.  
 Acting as a gentleman is more than opening doors, allowing a lady to go first and standing when a lady enters the room.  Acting as a gentleman is making the statement that the needs and feelings of another are valid and important.  Acting as a gentleman teaches our sons that manners and actions are a lifestyle, not just something to mind on certain occasions.  It seems manners are often chided as being archaic and too "buttoned up."  But we teach our sons things like saying "yes ma'am" and not replicating body noises because in this process they become aware of the feelings of other people and the importance of recognizing the feelings of others as important. Perhaps just as importantly, we must teach our sons that being a gentleman applies to everyone- the young lady dressed up for prom, the elderly lady/gentelman who needs help with her groceries, the homeless person who needs to feel human and recognized. This simple thing also teaches our sons to view everyone as valuable and deserving of being treated well.  May we not allow acting as a gentleman to be a lost art!

We must teach our sons about humor.
In reading the details surrounding the Steubenville rape case I was horrified to learn of how the many on-lookers just chuckled at what was happening.  The boys who committed this horrible crime continued to laugh about their crime for days.  Let's start standing up to what has become a cultural norm of laughing at the plight of the vulnerable.  Several weeks ago I read about a man in India who attends to the poorest of society.  He washes these people, he rubs sore muscles, he provides a clean shave as well as food for these people.  He not only restores dignity to these people, he does not make there plight the punchline of a self-gratifying joke.  Be careful what you choose to respond to with laughter.  Be very, very careful.

We must teach our sons to be brave.
Bravery seems to have taken a strange turn.  Why is it that stellar athletic performance is often describe as bravery?  Oh how me must redefine bravery!  What a brave thing it is for a person to risk their own social status to stand up for another.  What a brave act to say "no" when others are saying "yes."  What a brave thing to decide it is better to stay away from certain social circles and risk being labeled as "uncool" because you have courage of conviction and the integrity that goes along with it.  Bravery is putting the needs of others above your own.  (Phil 2:3-5)

It has been greatly impressed on me that it is the mothers of young children who will greatly affect the future. It is our action, or inaction, that will shape the years to come.  Believing that God Himself has entrusted the lives of my children to me is humbling, daunting and also very empowering.  As mothers, let's all agree to build one another up, encourage one another and stand against the onslaught of violence and lies that are working to entice our sons away from what is good, pure and right.



For the moms of daughters- the following blog is a must-read for you!
http://wearethatfamily.com/2013/03/raising-daughters-in-a-world-that-devalues-them-7-things-we-must-tell-them/

It's Not the Guns

Before I dive into the meat of this post, I will willingly admit that a lot of people will not agree with my thoughts and opinions.  I'm fine with that.  Some people might even mock me for the following, but even that will not bother me.  I'm quite confident in the basis of my thoughts.  So, without further ado...

The horrors of the Sandy Hook shooting have haunted me for weeks, as I'm sure they've haunted most. We all want an explanation. How could someone do this? How could a person murder young children?  This crime is so heinous and so tragic that an emotional response is beyond appropriate. Unfortunately, the response quickly turned from an emotional outpouring of sympathy to a political tug of war. Not less than 1 hour after the news of the shooting broke, people were posting comments about gun control. It's not the guns, people. I had the opportunity to hear a man from Israel speak on NPR a few days after the shooting.  Israel has extremely strict gun laws. This man made the statement, "When people can't get guns and want to kill people, they build bombs." The people of Israel very unfortunately know this to be true.

A few days after the tragedy, some news outlet posted a picture of the shooters from various other tragedies alongside the picture of the CT shooter. (I refuse to use his name.) I noticed immediately they all held the same expression. Their eyes were eerily the same. A wildness. A demonic wildness.  Yes, I firmly believe all of the young men who committed these crimes were demonically possessed.  This is a very unpopular idea in our society. We want to place the blame on guns, movies, games, etc.  The idea of demonic possession is very uncomfortable and forces us to realize that we cannot control everything.  It also forces us to realize that the only way to combat this power is through the power of Jesus Christ and we all know how controversial Jesus Christ is. John 10:10 calls Satan a thief and that he comes to kill and destroy. We saw this on the 14th.  The Bible clearly tells us children are very special to the Lord.  He repeatedly calls children things like gifts, inheritance, precious ones, blessings.  Matthew 8:5-6 is so clear.  Jesus Christ himself tells us that whoever welcomes a little child in His name, also welcomes Him. He goes on to say that if anyone harms a little child, it is better for that person to be drowned in the depths of the sea than live. Jesus is very serious about treating children with compassion, love and the utmost care.  Because Satan hates Jesus Christ, he hates any and everything that Jesus loves.  Logically, Satan finds great joy is seeing children suffer and die.  He also takes pleasure in seeing mothers and fathers emotionally and possibly spiritually destroyed from such violent loss.

This power that Satan holds over this world is nothing new. King Herod anyone? Because he holds this power, evil like this will not go away until the day of Christ's return. People who are possessed with this evil will find a way to kill.  So what do we tell our children? In my estimation, it is naive and misleading to tell our children things like, "Don't worry, that won't happen to you. You live in a safe place." I'm willing to bet all of those parents in Newtown would have told their children the same thing prior to December 14th. The fact of the matter is, we are not guaranteed safety no matter how quaint or secure our town seems. Granted, it is not likely that this type of event will occur, but evil is everywhere and the likelihood that our children will be faced with some form of evil at some point is a guarantee. My children are very young.  My 1 year old is clearly oblivious. I've kept my 5 year old from seeing the news, but I have brought up various topics with him that were previously kept quiet. We've talked about evil and why the Bible tells us we must flee from evil (1 Thess 5:22). We've talked about why there are certain things we must not watch, participate in or read. We've talked about why the Lord tells us to dwell on things that are pure, excellent and praiseworthy (Phil 4:8). Counter-cultural?  Absolutely.  But let me ask this- is our present culture working?  Not so much.  When we open ourselves up to even just a small window of evil, we are opening ourselves up to some very dangerous things.

All hope is not lost, however.  Consider the following from Johnathan Bowers:

"The cross demonstrates that God regards our affliction not as something strange to the palette, but as a cup he has drunk to the dregs. By giving up his own Son, God entered into our pain. He knows what it's like to suffer loss. But he also did more. By putting his Son to grief, God turned grief on its head. "But he was wounded for our transgressions; he was crushed for our iniquities; upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace, and with his stripes we are healed" (Isaiah 53:5). This brings us to the final point.

C. S. Lewis writes in The Great Divorce, "They say of some temporal suffering, 'No future bliss can make up for it,' not knowing that Heaven, once attained, will work backwards and turn even that agony into a glory."

Lewis is not being novel here. He is simply restating what Christians have hoped in for centuries, the promise that gives all our suffering purpose: "For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal" (2 Corinthians 4:17-18)."

Essential Hymns For Our Children

One of my very dearest and closest friends recently posted her concern over children, children who regularly attend church, not knowing basic Christmas hymns.  We're not talking about the silly songs like "Santa Clause Is Coming To Town" or "Jingle Bells" we're talking about hymns with rich, Christ focused text.  I love hymns. Anyone who knows me knows that I'm not a huge fan of 80% of the Contemporary Christian music out there.  In the words of Doug Wilson, if God's name can be replaced with "Sheila" and the song still makes perfect sense, is the song really God-exalting or are we reducing Jesus to boyfriend status?  It is my desire to teach my children songs with very rich, theologically correct texts.  (This, in addition to scripture.)

Five essential hymns every child should know:

1. Holy, Holy, Holy- What an incredibly rich text that celebrates and explains the wonder of The Trinity.  "Only Thou art holy, there is none beside Thee!  Perfect in power, in love and purity."  I appreciate that this hymn clearly states our position of "sinful man" and yet also exalts the Lord as the One who deserves glory and praise.  "All Thy works shall praise Thy name in earth and sky and sea!"

2. A Mighty Fortress- This hymn is by and far one of my personal favorites.  The history behind this hymn is really powerful and should likewise be taught to our young ones.  Every stanza of this hymn clearly explains the greatness and power of our Great God.  This hymn has a continuing thread of God's truth being timeless, unchanging and powerful.  Some parents may find certain words of this hymn a bit fearful- words like bulwark and Lord Sabaoth might evoke a small amount of fear as children ask, "What is that?"  But let's encourage these questions!  Should you not know the answers to those questions, it is perfectly okay to tell your children that you need to do a little research.  Don't shy away from this gem!

3. Come Thou Fount- Oh how I love this hymn!  Jackson has me sing this song to him every night before drifting to sleep.  (Explaining flaming tongues to a pre-schooler is rather humorous!) Perhaps one of my favorite elements of this hymn is the fact that it clearly points us to the truth that we did not find Jesus, but he found us!  "Jesus sought me when a stranger, wandering from the fold of God."  About 10 years ago a song entitled "I Found Jesus" was very popular.  I never liked this song.  We didn't find Jesus.  He found us! "O to grace how great a debtor daily I'm constrained to be!"

4. Alas And Did My Savior Bleed and When I Survey The Wondrous Cross- These two could not be split apart in my mind.  They both so clearly lay out the story of Christ's death and our proper response to His willing sacrifice.  When singing lines that ask us questions, lines like, "Was it for crimes that I had done he groaned upon that tree?  Amazing pity, grace unknown and love beyond degree!" we can easily engage our children in conversations that spur their hearts and minds to look to Jesus as the only One who can save us from our sins.  "Love so amazing, so divine, demands my soul, my life, my all!" Such lyrics imprinted on the hearts of our children will have a much larger impact on them than Father Abraham's many sons and the many sons Father Abraham had.

5. Great Is Thy Faithfulness- I have a very vivid memory of being so convicted by the truth of this song that I was moved to deep tears.  "All I have needed Thy Hand hath provided, great is Thy faithfulness, Lord unto me." I was stuck in an attitude of discontent that had me focused on all of the things I did not have.  And there I was, pregnant with my first child, sitting next to my gift of a husband and not worried about where we would sleep that night or if we'd have enough food.  How sweet of the Lord to kindly use music to work in my heart.  "Thou changest not, Thy compassions they fail not. As Thou hast been, Thou forever wilt be!"

"Sing joyfully to the Lord!  It is fitting for the upright to praise Him!" Psalm 33:1

Go forth and sing of our Great and Wonderful God!

Wedded Bliss

Kyle and I celebrated our wedding anniversary a couple of weeks ago.  It was a Sunday which meant we spent the morning in the very church where we spoke our vows.  Very sweet memories.  It is very easy for me to say that I love him more now that I did on the day I married him.  He is an exceptional husband and rather easy to spend my life with.  He loves the Lord and is very unashamed about it, he is consistent, he is generous and kind, he is patient and he is forgiving.  Years ago, when word first leaked that we were seeing each other, people I didn't even know were coming to my office to tell me what a wonderful man of character Kyle Olson had proved himself to be.  Each person had a story to tell about how Kyle had served them or done something really extraordinary.  (And no, Kyle didn't put them up to this!) This was a very big deal to me.  The Bible tells us that a good name is worth more than great riches.  This guy certainly had a good name.  My boss even told me, "You'll be hard pressed to find anyone more honest, hard working or kind as Kyle."  She was right.

Because of God's grace and mercy and ONLY because of His grace and mercy, we started our marriage at a huge advantage.  We had some really wonderful pre-marital counseling that armed us with much Christ-centered advice and guidance.  A dear friend also created a book of advice for me prior to our wedding.  The book was a compilation of wise words of advice from various women at my church who had many good and fruitful years of marriage under their belts.  I'd love to share some of that advice that I can now say I have experienced first hand.

1. You're in it for the glory of God, not your self-gratification.   When we are focused on how our spouse should be serving us we will more often than not come up disappointed   My grandmother gave me some wonderful advice and since she has been half of a wonderfully Christ-centered marriage for 60 years, I'd consider her an authority on successful marriage.  Her advice was to put Philippians 2:3 into practice everyday and to put your spouse's needs above your own.  If both spouses are living to this command, you'll both be taken care of.  Many of you may have seen the beautiful video put out by John Piper's ministry that speaks to this truth.  If you haven't already watched this video, it's worth the time to watch.  http://www.desiringgod.org/blog/posts/the-story-of-ian-larissa

2.  I'm not his taskmaster. If there is one thing my mother will never be called, it is a nag.  My dad will testify to this truth.  I've never heard my mother nag my dad.  She taught me that you ask once to make your request known.  Feel free to ask a second time just to be sure your original request was heard.  But, anything after twice is nagging.  Would you like for your husband to continually ask, "Are you going to iron my shirt?  Are you going to iron my shirt?  Are you...."

3. I'm not his Holy Spirit. Before I ever said "I do" this advice was given to me and I can now attest to the truth of it.  The Lord desires unity within marriage.  That doesn't mean that both parties agree on every issue, but when disagreements come, we are to recognize that we are first to seek God's will and be willing to yield our own agendas.  If we feel that our desire is one that is from God and our husbands don't quite agree and the feeling just stays and stays....pray.  Do you trust God with your husband's heart?  Do you trust Him with your own heart?  There is an issue I feel strongly about.  I mentioned it to my husband early in our marriage and he, quite honestly, does not feel the way I feel about this subject.  So, I put the advice I was given into practice and never brought the subject up again.  I prayed.  Years later my husband brought the subject up and we had a wonderful conversation.  There is a Biblical example of this too.  When Sarah desperately wanted a child and wasn't willing to wait on God's timing, she came up with a crazy idea and she forced her way.  9 months later we meet Ishmael.  This was not a good thing for their marriage.  You do not want Ishmaels in your marriage.  Allow God to work on your husband's heart.  It isn't your job to convict him, it is your job to pray for him and encourage him. God can accomplish His will in your husband's heart much more effectively if you step out of the way.

4. Some friends might need to become less important in your life.  I once knew of a girl who, after spending any amount of time with her friends, would come home and be very agitated with her husband.  I'm sure we can all make the conclusion that her time with her friends was more likely than not spent bashing and complaining about husbands.  She probably should have found new friends.  Early in my marriage I was irritated with Kyle.  I called one of my best friends to complain about him.  This friend is one of my best friends for good reason....she didn't chime in and say what I wanted to hear.  She told me, "I love you and I love you enough to let you get irritated with me.  I also love you enough to help you strengthen your marriage. You have a man who loves you and, more importantly, loves the Lord."  The conversation evolved from there, but I'm sure you can imagine where it went.  When I got off of the phone with my ever-wise best friend, I wanted to go to my husband and make everything better.  That is a good friend.  A true and good friend will always support your marriage and never speak ill of your husband to you nor help you speak ill of your husband.

5. Make a promise and keep it.  This point could probably also be called, "Let your yes be yes and your no be no."  James 5:12 and Matt. 5:37.  If you agree to something, agree to it and keep a good attitude about it.  If you tell your husband that you are okay with him doing or participating in something (a ball game, a trip with buddies to the big game, etc.) and then have a sulky attitude about him participating in said activity, you have not made your "yes to be yes."  Additionally, if you agree to his participation and then present him with an ultimatum or some sort of consequence, you have made your yes conditional.  I think this also relates back to #1 and the reference to Phil 2:3.  If you are putting your spouse's needs and desires above your own you will get great joy because of his joy.  You won't feel that things have to be "even" and because he got something you should get something.

6. Speak well of him both in public and in private.  I once had the unfortunate experience of spending time around a group of women who thought it was a productive use of time to bad mouth their husbands.  It was a miserable experience.  Not a one of them had anything nice to say about their spouses.  Part of me wanted to say, "Didn't you choose your spouse or was it a lottery system and your spouse was forced upon you?"  However, because I had never been around such talk, I sat in stunned silence.  I was honestly flabbergasted at what I was hearing.  Proverbs 31 tells us that, as wives, we are to bring good and not harm to our husbands.  Isn't bad-mouthing him bringing him harm?

7. Marriage is a team sport. You're on the same team.  Protect the team.  Defend the team.  Work as a team.  Give him the benefit of the doubt.

8. Make his favorite meal. One of the most kind and thoughtful of women at my church taught me this.  Don't worry about the calories, the fat content or the nutritional value.  If you don't know how to make it, learn how. Even if you only make it every other month, you are only consuming the extra calories, etc 6 days out of your entire year.  Is that really going to hurt you?

9. Tell him what you need and accept it when he gives it.  The very wise and sweet woman who, along with her husband, conducted our pre-marital counseling gave me this sage advice:  If you need your husband to give you words of affirmation, tell him that is what you need.  Say, "Honey, I really need to hear that you think I am..... (beautiful, a good wife, capable, etc.)"  When he speaks the words, accept them.  Do not ever say, "You're just saying that because I told you to say that!"  Chances are quite high that he already thinks those things but he doesn't realize that you need him to verbalize them.  Men are just wired differently.

10. Never be afraid to lose a fight.  Ouch.  Hard one.  If you knew the woman who wrote this to me, you'd accept this statement very quickly.

11. Just because it comes into your head does not mean it needs to be said.  My Grandma Marge gave me this advice.  This is especially hard for quick witted women.  Our society tends to encourage people to "let it all out" and say whatever comes to mind.  How's that working for us?  Our divorce rate as a society is inexcusably high.  Hold your tongue.  James 3:5 refers to the tongue in this way, "how great a forest is set ablaze by such a small fire."  My former preacher used to remind us that fires can be warming and illuminating or they can be scorching and destructive.  How are you using your words?

And finally....from a woman I respect and adore...

12. Always be aware of your responsibilities to God and not your "rights."  Incidentally, aside from my grandparents and parents, I respect and admire this woman's marriage above any other marriage I've ever seen.  It would be my estimate that she and her husband have been married for over 35 years and they are madly in love.  The way he looks at her and the way she looks at him is the stuff of fairy tails.  She has taught me that when we are so concerned with our "rights" we look only to ourselves and when we look only to ourselves, we will always be discontented and we will bring discontentment to those around us.  We set our spouses up for failure.  Hard truth, but one that brings great joy when we embrace it.

I freely admit that I am a wife-in-progress.  There are days I fail miserably.  Praise God for my forgiving and gracious husband.  I love him dearly and am so thankful that the Lord gave him to me.  Another mentor of mine told me, "Don't marry someone unless you would want your children to be just like him."  So true.  It is my prayer that my boys grow to be just like their daddy.

Aching Love

Anyone who knows me at all knows how passionate I am about the plight of orphans. There are an estimated 143 million orphans worldwide. That number is overwhelmingly heartbreaking. Some of the people I respect the very most in this world are the moms and dads who open their hearts and homes to adopting these orphans into "forever families." This is an act of love and bravery unlike any other. Unfortunately, for reasons that are usually tied to government restrictions, not all orphans can be adopted. This is even more heartbreaking. This is the situation for my precious "daughter," Esther.

 When my husband and I first made the decision to sponsor a child through a local, very trusted organization (Heart of the Bride) I began to pray for the Lord to knit my heart to the child He would choose for us to sponsor. It was very important to me that we would not merely write a check every month. I also knew  asking the Lord to closely knit me to the heart of a child I would not be able to hug, tuck into bed, sing to and interact with on a daily basis would often hurt. My heart aches to hug my sweet Esy every single day. We are very fortunate to personally know the people who make frequent trips to Esy's orphanage in Kenya to check on her and the other children at House of Hope. But, the ache still remains. When we get letters from Esy and she calls us "Daddy and Mom" and tells us how much she loves us and her little brothers, my heart melts and breaks at the same time. It melts because I know she is accepting the love we are offering to her and it breaks because I realize we are the most tangible parents she has...and we are a world away. However, I am thankful for that ache. The ache means the Lord has done the work in my heart that I asked Him to do in accordance with His word. He is so faithful.

 Sometimes when I look at pictures of my sweet girl I just burst into tears. Not just for her, but because there are so many like her. 143 million. An insurmountable number. But, as Christians, we must not bury our heads in the sand when it comes to matters of social justice, caring for the poor and speaking for the voiceless simply because the numbers are seemingly insurmountable. It will hurt. But the hurt means you love deeply and that is a good thing.  And, as one of my friends says, I may not be able to change the whole world, but I can help change the world for at least one child.

 James 2:5 offers so much hope and comfort regarding this issue. "Listen my brothers, has not God chosen the poor of this world to be rich in faith and heirs to the kingdom, which He has promised to those who love Him?" I know my Esy loves the Lord. And, as I type these words through many tears, I know when He chooses to take her home to Heaven He will bestow the richest of blessings on her for eternity. For all of the things she never got to experience in this world, she will receive in spades when she inherits the kingdom of Heaven. She is the daughter of the King of Kings. She is the apple of His eye and oh so precious in His sight. A crown of glory will be placed on her beautiful head and she will never again cry as she falls to sleep. She will never again feel the pangs of loneliness. She will know perfect love.

 Love sometimes aches. And this is a blessing.

Open Letter to Ms. Rosen

Dear Ms. Rosen,
I, like many other women across America, was extremely offended by your comments directed at Ann Romney. Although I accept your apology, I doubt you have truly changed your sentiments. I'd like to address this issue with you.

I choose to be a stay-at-home mother. When I became pregnant with my first child, I chose to leave my profession and devote myself to the vocation of child-rearing. There are certainly days that I miss my previous profession. I receive no monetary pay for what I do. There are no vacation/sick days, stock options, promotions or health benefits. There is no overtime pay, 401k or retirement fund. I knew those things would be set aside when I chose this path. Yet, I am willing to lay those things aside for my vocation.

Unlike Ann Romney, my husband does not have an enormous salary. Yes, it is a privilege to be able to choose to stay home with my children. But, unlike you insinuate, we do not have this option because we are wealthy. We have this option because we are willing to make sacrifices. We are willing to go without certain things. If we can't pay cash for something, we don't buy/do it. We sometimes wait for years to be able to buy new furniture. We buy used cars and *gasp* shop at consignment stores. And, you know what? I'm perfectly fine with that. When I am the one who gets to witness my child's various firsts and I am the one who gets to tuck him in at every nap, I just don't care about the furniture that is on the proverbial back-burner. We don't go out to eat very often and when we do, it's usually because we have coupons or a gift card. I am very careful at the grocery store and I have learned to use coupons quite well. I, along with many other stay-at-home mothers resent the fact that you have belittled and marginalized the work and planning we put into each and every decision we make for our families so we can have the life we have. You insinuate that we only have this lifestyle because our husbands have high paying jobs and we can lead a life of luxury. Not so. We have this lifestyle because we work as a team with our husbands to make this happen.

Unfortunately, your thoughtless comment is more of a commentary on how we view children and families in our society. Should someone have more than the acceptable 2.3 children, they are "those freaks with lots of kids." Consider the Duggars. Instead of being revered for the fact that they have 19 well behaved, kind, loving and intelligent children (and by the way, do it all with ZERO debt), they are mocked. I have no intention of having 17 more children, but I think there is more to be learned from this fully functional family than any feminist would be willing to admit. Our society places little value on children and families unless it is a political talking point. Out of the mouth comes the overflow of the heart. Your comment that Ann Romney (and other stay-at-home moms) has not worked a day in her life is proof of how little we respect and value families in this country.

It is my hope that the chord you struck with your comments will become a rally cry for mothers and families. Perhaps we'll start rethinking how we view and approach motherhood. Time will tell. And, Ms. Rosen, I don't ask you or any other person to chose the same path I have chosen, but I do ask that you respect my choice just as you would respect a woman's choice to become a CEO, surgeon or senator.

Regards,
Lisa