I Carry Your Heart

The last few evenings have been a bit tearful for me. Perhaps it is the still quietness of the house after the boys go to bed that has allowed me to think more deeply about things. Perhaps it is just this waiting season. Whatever the reason, my mind and my heart are working through some complicated emotions that I could not have been prepared to experience. Sure, I read lots of blogs, books, pamphlets about this, but until now these things have just been head knowledge. As my mom says, "How do you explain 'cold'?"

When another mother chooses you to become the mother of her child, it is a daunting thing. She is trusting me with her very heart. Her infant. The child she has felt kick, squirm, and hiccup for many months will be handed to us. She is not only trusting me to mother her baby with absolute love, but she is also trusting me to protect her name and place in our baby's heart. I take this truth very seriously and it sits on my heart daily. Questions swirl in my head. Questions that no book can answer because every open adoption scenario is different. Questions that I have to trust to Jesus because only He can give me the wisdom that is needed right now. The promise found in the book penned by Jesus' brother James is, for me, not just a verse found on a coffee cup. I cling to the truth that whoever asks earnestly for wisdom from the Lord will be generously given wisdom. (James 1:5)

There are moments when the joy I have about welcoming Alanna home is tinged with some sharp pain. Pain because our joy will come at the expense of some deep hurt for our birth mom. The hard truth that right decisions aren't always accompanied by rainbows and butterflies reminds me that the compassion and abiding love of Jesus must guide my every word and action. Sometimes the tears are because of the gripping fears that sometimes overcome my heart. In 20+ years, when we're (hopefully) sitting side-by-side at Alanna's wedding, will she be glad that she chose us? Will she have known that we loved with all we had? Will her pain have been eased by the way we walk out our love for Jesus in the way we love her and Alanna?

Although our little girl has 3 more months to grow before we meet her, not too many moments pass that I do not think of our birth mom. We will forever share a bond that is profound. Her heart will always have a beat in our home and in my heart too. Oh, sweet birth mom, I carry your heart. I carry it in my heart. I am never without it. e.e. cummings

Making All Things Beautiful

One of the most basic truths in Christianity is that this is a fallen world. The fall into sin began with Adam and Eve and the consequences are still felt today. But the very hopeful news is that Jesus has come. He has come to bring us peace and to reconcile us to a holy God. There are many tangible benefits to point us to the beauty of this reconciliation. Throughout these beginning months of our adoption journey we have been privileged with seeing many facets of what this means in a very practical way. A way that is bringing healing, a way that is bringing joy in what the world sees as a situation that doesn't have room for such joy.

"...to give unto them beauty for ashes..." Isaiah 61:3

When we were expecting Jackson I read from the book of Isaiah quite a lot; hence, his middle name is Isaiah. I particularly love chapter 61 which foretells what would be brought to God's people at the coming of Christ. Jesus came to bring good news, to bring healing to the broken, to free the captive, and to make beauty out of the ashes of those who mourn. We are seeing these things unfold in a difficult and yet beautiful way in the life of our precious birth mother. Without giving any details, I will simply say that her situation looked tough. And yet through the encouragement of many who love her dearly- family and friends- we see beauty coming in so many ways. This does not diminish the very complex emotions she is grappling with. This does not in any way diminish the difficult moments that will occur in the days, weeks, months that will follow her placing her baby in our arms. But it does offer a healing balm to soothe her raw heart. It offers the precious and unfailing hope of the truth that comes from knowing that Jesus came to bind up the brokenhearted. There is beauty to be found. Though I do not see that this is the right time to share much of the sweet story that God is weaving together in this particular part of His tapestry, I can say with great assurance that my God is a god who can make anything beautiful. He is a master at that. He is THE master of that. 

When choosing names for our sons, we wanted to give names with great meaning. Choosing a name for our daughter was no different. We desired to honor our birth mom in the choosing by including her in the decision making process and we thought it to be important that our daughter's name carry the testimony of how God worked her life into a great display of His beauty even before she was born. We had 2 names chosen and together we landed on the name Alanna, a Gaelic name meaning beauty. Her middle name will be Kathryn because it is somewhat of a tradition in my family to give daughters family names and Kathryn is my mom's name. More importantly, my mom is nothing short of amazing and as Alanna grows I know she will treasure sharing a name with her grandma as much as I treasure that I share the names of a grandma and a great-grandma. So, there you have it- Alanna Kathryn. Our precious gift of beauty from the Lord.