Wedded Bliss

Kyle and I celebrated our wedding anniversary a couple of weeks ago.  It was a Sunday which meant we spent the morning in the very church where we spoke our vows.  Very sweet memories.  It is very easy for me to say that I love him more now that I did on the day I married him.  He is an exceptional husband and rather easy to spend my life with.  He loves the Lord and is very unashamed about it, he is consistent, he is generous and kind, he is patient and he is forgiving.  Years ago, when word first leaked that we were seeing each other, people I didn't even know were coming to my office to tell me what a wonderful man of character Kyle Olson had proved himself to be.  Each person had a story to tell about how Kyle had served them or done something really extraordinary.  (And no, Kyle didn't put them up to this!) This was a very big deal to me.  The Bible tells us that a good name is worth more than great riches.  This guy certainly had a good name.  My boss even told me, "You'll be hard pressed to find anyone more honest, hard working or kind as Kyle."  She was right.

Because of God's grace and mercy and ONLY because of His grace and mercy, we started our marriage at a huge advantage.  We had some really wonderful pre-marital counseling that armed us with much Christ-centered advice and guidance.  A dear friend also created a book of advice for me prior to our wedding.  The book was a compilation of wise words of advice from various women at my church who had many good and fruitful years of marriage under their belts.  I'd love to share some of that advice that I can now say I have experienced first hand.

1. You're in it for the glory of God, not your self-gratification.   When we are focused on how our spouse should be serving us we will more often than not come up disappointed   My grandmother gave me some wonderful advice and since she has been half of a wonderfully Christ-centered marriage for 60 years, I'd consider her an authority on successful marriage.  Her advice was to put Philippians 2:3 into practice everyday and to put your spouse's needs above your own.  If both spouses are living to this command, you'll both be taken care of.  Many of you may have seen the beautiful video put out by John Piper's ministry that speaks to this truth.  If you haven't already watched this video, it's worth the time to watch.  http://www.desiringgod.org/blog/posts/the-story-of-ian-larissa

2.  I'm not his taskmaster. If there is one thing my mother will never be called, it is a nag.  My dad will testify to this truth.  I've never heard my mother nag my dad.  She taught me that you ask once to make your request known.  Feel free to ask a second time just to be sure your original request was heard.  But, anything after twice is nagging.  Would you like for your husband to continually ask, "Are you going to iron my shirt?  Are you going to iron my shirt?  Are you...."

3. I'm not his Holy Spirit. Before I ever said "I do" this advice was given to me and I can now attest to the truth of it.  The Lord desires unity within marriage.  That doesn't mean that both parties agree on every issue, but when disagreements come, we are to recognize that we are first to seek God's will and be willing to yield our own agendas.  If we feel that our desire is one that is from God and our husbands don't quite agree and the feeling just stays and stays....pray.  Do you trust God with your husband's heart?  Do you trust Him with your own heart?  There is an issue I feel strongly about.  I mentioned it to my husband early in our marriage and he, quite honestly, does not feel the way I feel about this subject.  So, I put the advice I was given into practice and never brought the subject up again.  I prayed.  Years later my husband brought the subject up and we had a wonderful conversation.  There is a Biblical example of this too.  When Sarah desperately wanted a child and wasn't willing to wait on God's timing, she came up with a crazy idea and she forced her way.  9 months later we meet Ishmael.  This was not a good thing for their marriage.  You do not want Ishmaels in your marriage.  Allow God to work on your husband's heart.  It isn't your job to convict him, it is your job to pray for him and encourage him. God can accomplish His will in your husband's heart much more effectively if you step out of the way.

4. Some friends might need to become less important in your life.  I once knew of a girl who, after spending any amount of time with her friends, would come home and be very agitated with her husband.  I'm sure we can all make the conclusion that her time with her friends was more likely than not spent bashing and complaining about husbands.  She probably should have found new friends.  Early in my marriage I was irritated with Kyle.  I called one of my best friends to complain about him.  This friend is one of my best friends for good reason....she didn't chime in and say what I wanted to hear.  She told me, "I love you and I love you enough to let you get irritated with me.  I also love you enough to help you strengthen your marriage. You have a man who loves you and, more importantly, loves the Lord."  The conversation evolved from there, but I'm sure you can imagine where it went.  When I got off of the phone with my ever-wise best friend, I wanted to go to my husband and make everything better.  That is a good friend.  A true and good friend will always support your marriage and never speak ill of your husband to you nor help you speak ill of your husband.

5. Make a promise and keep it.  This point could probably also be called, "Let your yes be yes and your no be no."  James 5:12 and Matt. 5:37.  If you agree to something, agree to it and keep a good attitude about it.  If you tell your husband that you are okay with him doing or participating in something (a ball game, a trip with buddies to the big game, etc.) and then have a sulky attitude about him participating in said activity, you have not made your "yes to be yes."  Additionally, if you agree to his participation and then present him with an ultimatum or some sort of consequence, you have made your yes conditional.  I think this also relates back to #1 and the reference to Phil 2:3.  If you are putting your spouse's needs and desires above your own you will get great joy because of his joy.  You won't feel that things have to be "even" and because he got something you should get something.

6. Speak well of him both in public and in private.  I once had the unfortunate experience of spending time around a group of women who thought it was a productive use of time to bad mouth their husbands.  It was a miserable experience.  Not a one of them had anything nice to say about their spouses.  Part of me wanted to say, "Didn't you choose your spouse or was it a lottery system and your spouse was forced upon you?"  However, because I had never been around such talk, I sat in stunned silence.  I was honestly flabbergasted at what I was hearing.  Proverbs 31 tells us that, as wives, we are to bring good and not harm to our husbands.  Isn't bad-mouthing him bringing him harm?

7. Marriage is a team sport. You're on the same team.  Protect the team.  Defend the team.  Work as a team.  Give him the benefit of the doubt.

8. Make his favorite meal. One of the most kind and thoughtful of women at my church taught me this.  Don't worry about the calories, the fat content or the nutritional value.  If you don't know how to make it, learn how. Even if you only make it every other month, you are only consuming the extra calories, etc 6 days out of your entire year.  Is that really going to hurt you?

9. Tell him what you need and accept it when he gives it.  The very wise and sweet woman who, along with her husband, conducted our pre-marital counseling gave me this sage advice:  If you need your husband to give you words of affirmation, tell him that is what you need.  Say, "Honey, I really need to hear that you think I am..... (beautiful, a good wife, capable, etc.)"  When he speaks the words, accept them.  Do not ever say, "You're just saying that because I told you to say that!"  Chances are quite high that he already thinks those things but he doesn't realize that you need him to verbalize them.  Men are just wired differently.

10. Never be afraid to lose a fight.  Ouch.  Hard one.  If you knew the woman who wrote this to me, you'd accept this statement very quickly.

11. Just because it comes into your head does not mean it needs to be said.  My Grandma Marge gave me this advice.  This is especially hard for quick witted women.  Our society tends to encourage people to "let it all out" and say whatever comes to mind.  How's that working for us?  Our divorce rate as a society is inexcusably high.  Hold your tongue.  James 3:5 refers to the tongue in this way, "how great a forest is set ablaze by such a small fire."  My former preacher used to remind us that fires can be warming and illuminating or they can be scorching and destructive.  How are you using your words?

And finally....from a woman I respect and adore...

12. Always be aware of your responsibilities to God and not your "rights."  Incidentally, aside from my grandparents and parents, I respect and admire this woman's marriage above any other marriage I've ever seen.  It would be my estimate that she and her husband have been married for over 35 years and they are madly in love.  The way he looks at her and the way she looks at him is the stuff of fairy tails.  She has taught me that when we are so concerned with our "rights" we look only to ourselves and when we look only to ourselves, we will always be discontented and we will bring discontentment to those around us.  We set our spouses up for failure.  Hard truth, but one that brings great joy when we embrace it.

I freely admit that I am a wife-in-progress.  There are days I fail miserably.  Praise God for my forgiving and gracious husband.  I love him dearly and am so thankful that the Lord gave him to me.  Another mentor of mine told me, "Don't marry someone unless you would want your children to be just like him."  So true.  It is my prayer that my boys grow to be just like their daddy.